im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
