I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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