It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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