Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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