Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i believe in u and ur pee
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