420 ftw
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
