wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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