God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
