so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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