highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so let's talk penis.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
