guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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