take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
