My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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