A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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