Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
