i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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