mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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