You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
