Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
