you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
