my phone needs a breathalizer
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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