My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Randomize
