my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Randomize
