do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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