girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
