Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
3 2 1 whiskey
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
