he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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