They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I need moral support for this bender
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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