I'm lost and stupid without you.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
