btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
