So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
