just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
They took my balls.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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