chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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