so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
