new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
