I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
