Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
