Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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