I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
