had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
