If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
