FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
