When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think a kid would responsible me up
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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