My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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