This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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