we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
