I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
