so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
