...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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