Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I wish there were birth control emojis
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
