I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
